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Wow, it’s been a whole month since last updated this blog. I’ve been busy continuing and struggling each day. I guess it’s right what people say. It’s easy to start a blog, but it takes passion, sincerity, and dedication to keep up a functioning blog.
There are few ideas bounced around back and forth in my head, but there was nothing significant enough to write, so I kept on procrastinating. I would love to be able to just write and automatically type with my mind when an idea comes. I guess I have to wait for now. And yes, I’m looking at you, Siri iOS 10.
Moving on, when I don’t know what to write, I always try to be sincere with myself and dig deep. What is it that I wanted to talk about, but couldn’t find the right words? What is it I wanted to say, without afraid of making mistakes? Dig deep enough, slowly creating a common theme, a story to discuss, arguing with myself, alone, in front of a computer at 3:00 AM on weekdays. Great.
A month without no meaningful things to write, just swiftly passed by, like a small wind, blow out dry leaves. Notice it, but hardly even bothered. The question that remains; why is it so boring with all the life routines? Nothing really excites anymore.
In the romance section, cannot really say any progress there. Just familiar faces come and goes. No meaningful relations, just regular, sometimes dull, average meets, greets and occasional sex. Not, that I don’t want it to happen, It just feels too hollow and flat to be willing to try again.
Perhaps now, I could understand a friend situations. Who always painfully failed in each blooming relationships from an early stage. Imagine all the bitterness that comes, the loneliness that bears, and the emptiness that follows. He always put a façade, but deep down, I think I understand how he must feel. Which could roughly translate the same with mine?
Even if I brave myself to tries. Catching up all the connections from friends who introduce them. There was no one, in particular, exciting enough to pursue my curiosity and my habit of studying character. One of them is a 20 yr old who always eager and willing, and experienced enough to.., How can I say this politely? Hmm, waking up ancient urges? LOL.
FYI; I actually asked to see her ID for proof of birth, and yes, the year was 1996. I guess my impression must hit her really hard. (Yes, a pun) And the next best thing was to ask her whether she knew who “Take That” were, which resulted in no success, obviously.
Afterwards, there’s someone who currently commuting by train, occasionally asking when I could meet up with her? I keep on promising her for now. Maybe, somewhere cosy between the tracks? like, petrol stations? Ha. Moving further, a someone, an on and off kind of thing, that understanding the circumstance well enough, gleefully helped each other to find Nemo. A fish. ????
Consequently, I know they all not bad, however, can’t really say for sure they also ideal enough for the next step. Also, there was another, Who probably could be argued, more future material kind of thing, wearing a hijab, from a good background, good behaviour, etc. Well, that’s the problem, inn’it? Sometimes, plain is boring. Say yes to plaid, and the brain wants what the brain want.
Meanwhile, my parents just quietly sit hoping someone presented to them soon enough. Like a talent competition judge, hungry enough in auditioning their prospective daughter in law.
Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you.
Then, out of nowhere, there always someone who comes along, always without notice, with all the fun and excitements she brings every time I see her. I hardly even realise it up until recently. But, like a good puzzling drama novel or movies. The plot never really that simple, inn’it? It seems I always attracted by complicated & tangled yarn when all I wanted is a straight line.
I couldn’t really write much about it, for now, it is too early to tell. But, from past experiences. All the early tell-tales signs always lead to trouble. Tingling with Spidey-sense, the danger of heading ahead, despite all the warning signs.
I could notice it little by little, by somewhat finding just enough comfort in a strange place. An occupied one. It seems, all neurones in my brains screaming and electrifies, turn your back now before it is all too late. But, surprisingly always ended up did the opposite. This type of situation happens many times before for me to count. And I already know the answer to the equation. It is not 1 + 1 equals two. I resisted, I fought, and ultimately lose.
I couldn’t even begin to show the plot-twist details, yet. That’s why it is a terrible idea to write personal stories on the internet. *Fist-bump* But, one thing I know. That it is really wrong to start something you couldn’t manage. Know what will the heart say? “If she is the wrong choice, then I don’t want to be right?” Nope, it is still wrong.
However, “nothing wrong to have a wrong mistake, sometimes”, right? Stop it already will ya’ self-me? But, people also say “What feels wrong, sometimes ends up being right.” NO, No you’re not listening to me! Alright?! By this point, It really is just arguments in my head. Fighting constantly.
It really bothers, sometimes, when someone started to often cross your mind. All the classic sign leads to the long and heartbreaking road. Or being carried away by feelings, as the youth says it today. (Iye, baper aja lau) Furthermore, most often than not, guys could be in over their head, misinterpreting situations and women behaviours towards them.
However, hopefully, If I’m not mistaken, and my intuition is right. Well, mostly wrong anyway, but what if by the tiniest chance I’m right, She also started to notice something or anything, even the smallest thing. Then, it will be just like Dr Sam Beckett said after leaping; “ooh, boy” That is really a bad sign in a good way. However, if I turned out to be wrong about it, please, anyone, delete this post, after I die of shame first. *run and hide* *I wanna runawayyyy, ayy ayy ayy ay ayy* [smaic name=”fa fa-volume-up” radius shadow]
Different or coming from the same world. What really matters is when we feel comfortable enough to be able to laugh together wholeheartedly, sharing and telling each other stories, conversing opinions, and even good at playing hide & seek. Ha.
This paragraph could serve as a piece of advice to a dear friend. Next, when you’re with someone you’re interested. Find those common grounds, find your level of comforts with that someone, and at the same time, tries to make that someone could search for and feels comfortable enough to you, how? Just being yourself.
This kind of things cannot be summarised nor quantified by theories, numbers or any kind of science. What’s more, you cannot actually plan it as smooth and as perfect you want. Sometimes, the better road is, where you are not using any guidance or maps, not knowing the territory, and not even knowing the arrival destination yet. Let feelings shows the way. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes along the way, because it is how we learn to do it right next time.
The problem arises when your logical mind knows 100% that it is not the right way, but all cells in your body vibrating and feelings still wanted to go that way anyway. Caution, proceed at your own risk.
Hajars – Close enough
20 Sep 2016